Getting back to normal...ick.
Well, everything that was "holiday" is over—the tree is torn down, the decorations stored, the turkey almost eaten (oh! lordie the smell of turkey soup is enough too make me heave, now) and the Mooks back to their old, bitchy, whiney selves. Mook B is has returned to work and is climbing the walls, as usual. When he leaves to go to school (where he teaches in winter) it is like a tornado of stress has passed through the house, left destruction and gone leaving victims crying over their photo albums. Mook A, however, now can worry about his health full time and—oh!—you can imagine how much fun that is! He is like a bag of fretting, playing with bandages, pills and himself (not in a good way), trying to heal and get back to something that resembles a normal life (though I'm not sure he even knows what that means anymore!).
How do I fit in? Not at all, really. I get ignored a good deal of the time and when it is time for my walk one or the other heaves a mighty sigh of torment like taking me outside for a few minutes is like submitting to a circumcision. They truly are a pair of drama queens. The rest of the time? Well, there's playing with my plastic bone except when I throw that around and have myself a little fun it apparently makes too much noise for their delicate ear drums and I get bellowed at to stop. I can also grab B's slippers and try and provoke him into chasing after me but now, there too, he just barks for me to drop them. Sure, A allows me to cuddle with him when he's strung out on pain killers or if he's reading his precious fucking Kindle but all of this means I have an enormous amount of energy to burn off and every dog knows there is only one way to do this: licking.
So I lick! I lick what's left of my shriveled little ball sack. I lick my dick. I flick my tongue about my asshole. It's very calming.
But—there you go again!!!—one or the other shrieks at me and I have to stop or just get down off the couch or chair, find a quiet place and get back to it.
It's while I was having a good old-fashioned lick-fest that I started to think about evolution. Think along with me, will you? Think about how truly evolved the dog species is, compared to humans! Here I am, in a corner, happily and (importantly:) quietly licking my dick, not bothering anyone and at any time I can stop! Is there more magnificent proof that dog's are a insanely highly evolved class? We can lick ourselves...or not! We can lick ourselves...and stop! We eat, play, sleep, fuck, entertain humans, make our friends laugh and, when we want to, can lick ourselves...or not! Doesn't that show how truly exceptional we are?
Think about it in other terms.
Let's say, at one time in their evolution, humans had been able to lick themselves. I mean, jam their tongues up their assholes and cootches, wrap them around their dicks, slaver up those balls—I mean really lick! Do you have any idea what humans would look like or, even, would they have survived as a species? Sure there is the old joke that if men could lick themselves like dogs, they'd never do anything else but try to get beyond the joke and imagine the reality. They'd either all be extinct (because licking would be all they do) or they'd have been shaped quite, quite differently and become an animal we'd all laugh at.
It would be something like this: maybe biped, but with the back curved down so that the head was permanently near the gonads which would mean that to walk, the head would have to go back between the legs and would come out somewhere below the asshole and facing up. Except you can't walk facing up, so the head would have to be further tilted back so that they see where they were going. Now that is not a creature that would dominate the world is it? And it would not have been called a human or a homo anything like sapiens or habilus or even erectus (except in the most base sense). Suddenly you have a new species, don't you! If humans could lick themselves they wouldn't be people they'd be...I don't know...Assheads or even Backward Walking Assheads. They'd be in zoos and make little ones laugh because they'd have to move their heads to have a shit and, needless to say, some of them would be so engaged in their licking they wouldn't even do that!
Yup.
So don't tell me to stop licking, Mr. Mook! Remember, it's just an anomaly of fate, a flick of evolution, that has put you in charge instead of in a zoo. Asshead.
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