January 4, 2010; Resolutions

Okay, one resolution: I might, on a cold or wet day, allow the coat, but I will never allow the booties.

The fuckwad (ie: Mook A) has been reading crap in his fucking new Kindle or watching crap movies on his PVR or playing his idiot game and then turning off the computer, so I have had no access to it in the last while. But I am back and all set to start a new year of blogging. I will begin with resolutions. Now, as I am perfect, I have none for me, but I do have resolutions others should seriously consider.

For Barack:

Stop being a fucking pussy and do something! I mean, really something—not like that hunk of dirty toilet paper you call health reform. You could bomb Iran! You could lower the boom on North Korea! You could dance in the fucking street naked...I don't give a fuck...do something! Here's a real suggestion just to get things going: take Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid into a back room and beat them senseless. Sure, she's a woman, but another fucking facelift will cover the bruises as his livers spots will for him.

For Canadian Politicians:

Why bother.

For Dick Cheney:

STFU.

For Environmentalists:

Get rid of cars. End of story. Period. Not for the air—who cares how well you all breathe?—but because they kill greater beings...like dogs.

For the Russians and Chinese:

Watch yourselves. That's it: Just watch yourselves.

For Lindsay Lohan (et al.—you know who you are):

Blonde, dyke, booze, drugs, failed rehab, cosmetic surgery—is there anything you haven't tried, sweetheart? How about loads of therapy. Now look, I'm gonna level with you: you got talent and that's why I like you. So your resolution is trying not to die; if only because the spirits are still processing Michael Jackson.

For would-be terrorists:

Explosive dildos? Really? Besides burning your beezer off and making us all laugh over the Christmas holidays, what did that accomplish? How about thinking it through, the next time. I mean really thinking it through...from the beginning. I bet if you do you might actually get lives, wives, kids and a little joy in your lives. Oh!—and come back to me when you understand what Mohammed and Allah really meant.

For women, men (and queers):

Stop being twats and pricks and get fucking. Talking only gets you into trouble and after fucking at least you sleep well (which can't ever be said for talking). Besides, you all talk too fucking much. Just shove your noses up each others arseholes and start passing the batwang!

For dogs:

It is time to assume your place. Kill the ones with the uncovered skin and anything that smells like soap.