January 25, 2010; To All The Girls They've Loved Before

The Mooks are very odd birds! Do you know that there was a time in their lives where they actually went out with women? Hard to believe with them being so queer and all but maybe—a long, long, looooooong time ago—they had a little bit of macho, a little bit of something that ladies might have been attracted to.

I don't know what it was, but there were, indeed, women and the Mooks talk about them from time to time. From what I have been able to glean, in terms of numbers Mook A is the winner. However—and this is important—he's never gone all the way whereas Mook B, a shyer man in his youth, did. Interesting, no?

A started young, given the facts of life by a kid named Marie back when he was ten or so. The thing is, Marie couldn't pronounce "vagina" and had told A that the man put his penis in the woman's va-ghee-na! A, confused, talked to his mother who burst out laughing and then decided it might be time to level with her kid. (She didn't know, of course, that the kid in question had already developed an unhealthy interest in Ron Ely, the actor who played Tarzan on TV.)

Equipped with the facts, now, A set out to conquer the world—to prove his prowess as a sexual athlete. Instead he became like the Olympic Torch: a flamer being passed from one woman to another. There was the high-school sweetheart who let him boob-juggle until, when it looked like they were headed down the wrong path (if you know what I mean and I think you do), simply took off her shirt and let him go to town...top-half only, thanks much. Then there were all the girls in college who were willing but who simply scared him to death. Then there was one final girlfriend who seemed safe because she was a Greek girl and her father would have killed her and A if anything had happened. (She, however, could not resist the charms of a real Olympic athlete and broke A's heart—and secretly delighted him—when she announced she was no longer a virgin nor A's girl.)

That's when A gave up and went down the road to damnation.

Meanwhile, in another galaxy far, far away, B was deeply in the closet. He dated few girls but had many friends who were girls (shy, soft-spoken homos seem to be catnip to the opposite sex). With one of these he had a disastrous one nighter and all bets were off. However, and here's the thing: both A's teenage sweetheart and B's one-nighter remained close and, I think, in love with them. Hey! Let's face it! Queers have nice manners, treat women with respect (ie: fear them), and offer no danger (to women, I mean). What's not to love! And if, into the bargain, there's none of that sweaty, messy shit where sounds emanate that make one think of feet stuck in the mud, and smells afterward cling to sheets and walls for days, then that's a bonus!

You gotta admire the Mooks—and a lot of queers—for the fact that they do some exploring into the other side. This can be said with absolute sureness: straight guys are not nearly as curious about "over there". Does that make them better? I don't know. It certainly makes them straighter...

...undeviating...linear...unbending...in line...conforming...

dull, maybe.

I keep wondering what would happen if humans were like dogs. I mean, if I need to know something about another dog—male or female—I won't think twice about jamming my nose up his/her arsehole. So maybe queer humans, with their curiousity about everyone, are more like dogs. More evolved.

There's something to chew on.