June 3, 2010; A Visitor Returns

I could smell the cigarette before I saw him.

"Snoopy!" he said, trying to get a rise out of me. The cigarette, like last time, was dangling from his lip.

"Hello, Cosmo," I said as I took my mid-night sip of water. "You're back."

"I'm going to be a semi-regular in the little series that is your life. Better get used to it."

"So I'm going to have to put up with that highbrow Dalmatian banter."

He snerfed, "I guess for any dog smaller than a weasel it would be highbrow." He sat down before continuing. "I've been sniffing around. The Boys are in trouble?"

"You called them the Boys too?"

"Nah, but I read your blog and it fits."

"Well," I said sitting near him, "First: when Boo-Boo isn't working he's talking about work—"

"—why do you think I never talked to him, even though I was closer to Boo than Skeeter; can you imagine all that yammering when you're trying to sleep! I don't know how you put up with Skeet's prattle."

"Well, he reads a lot and plays that idiot game—"

"—still doing the World of Warcraft thing—"

"—yes. And he likes his TV."

"He does," Cosmo said, yawned and puffed. I noticed the cigarette never got smaller. "So what's the prob, Snoop Dog?"

"You know how hard it is to train these people," I said. "The way they're both going I'm worried one of them is going to keel over. It's already going to be a pain in the ass with Skeet off to another operation and Boo talking about disappearing on his bike for a week. I don't know about you but I don't like to be ignored and when there's only one of them here, the chances are huge I'll spend a lot of time licking my dick."

At this, Cosmo spread his legs and said, "Check it out!" He had a nice pair of danglers. "You get them back in the hereafter."

"Niiiiiiiiice." Then I said, "So what do I do?"

"Well, Snoop, there really is nothing you can do. Things die and, let's face it, these two are on the fast track—they eat mountains of crap, they both smoke like chimneys, Boo has always worked too hard and Skeet too, when he was working, and then they wonder why they feel like shit all the time. But here's the thing, little feller: humans, no matter what, live way past their expiration date and chances are good they'll outlive you. Look at me! I was healthy as a horse!"

"Small comfort: I should relax because I'll die before them."

"Yup."

"Before you go—"

"—very subtle way of getting rid of me—"

"—well," I went on nevertheless, "I just wanted to know about the smoking."

"As I said, they smoke like chimneys and when I was there, and between baths, my white fur would turn a nice nicotine-yellow. I got into licking my fur and before you know it, I was hooked. Now I can smoke all I want and don't even have the cough."

"Well, that's something the Boys can look forward to, anyway."

Cosmo laughed strangely, "Oh, little man, there are precious few humans where I am." And with that, he was gone.

The ethereal cigarette smoke lingered in the air. When it was gone, I went back to Boo's bed and curled up in the crook of his leg. The apartment was very quiet until, very far in the distance, a dog howled: "G'night Snoopy!"