May 31, 2010; Literature

Since Skeeter got his Kindle he has been doing a lot of reading. But here's the thing: books still cost money, even electronic books, and he is poor, but he has found this website where he can download classics in Kindle format for nothing. So he has been reading the classics. Some of them are books he already read but "wanted to make sure I understood them the first time around" like "Madame Bovary." Others are books he read in abridged form when he was a kid like "Tom Sawyer" and "Huckleberry Finn"; the latter, he assures me, was much abridged when he was a child because there was no use of the n-word in his version and you hardly new Jim was a slave at all. He did note, this go-round, that Tom Sawyer, in the Huck Finn book, turned out to be a bit of a sociopath the way he tortured Jim—making him believe he was still a slave when he wasn't.

The upshot of all this, with summer here and all our programs in reruns, is that when he gets back from the clinic, swallows down his pain-killer and curls up with me on the La-Z-Boy, we no longer watch TV. He, instead, reads the classics.

Occasionally I ask him to read passages to me as I snooze. It's an odd, big world out there, in those books. I hated "The Jungle" because it was about people working in slaughterhouses and there seemed to be a lot of pity for the people but very little for the animals being slaughtered. I despised "Babbitt" because—let's face it—who cares about a Realtor and his affairs if they're not going to get into the fucking details (and by this, I mean the details of the fucking though—God knows!—I can't imagine a Realtor is any more interesting when he's fucking than when he's trying to sell you a house).

But it hasn't all been dull. He was giggling his ass off, one afternoon, and said, "You'd like this." So I ordered him to read from "Tom Jones"—some old book—and it was very interesting. The scene was some fight between two women in a little village and before you know it they were ripping off each other's tops and the writer described, in detail, how they slapped each other's tits and one of the women had really nice, ample tits. Like any red-blooded male I do love my cat fights, especially when you don't have to imagine them stripping each other 'cause the author gives you all you need.

Now he's reading "Anne of Green Gables." It's a Canadian classic (which probably means no one knows anything about it). Skeet explained to me that he had never actually read it; that it was read to him when he was in sixth grade by the teacher, a Mr. Fasano, who was great at accents and voices and had made hearing "Anne" a real delight (as he had also made "The Secret Garden" a joy—another book Skeet went back to on his Kindle).

I asked him to read from it and didn't quite get the attraction. I mean, the kid—Anne, the orphan—is cute and funny and all, but not hilarious-funny, more cute-funny which is not really all that funny. As Skeet read he stopped and said, "Want to hear something weird?" "Desperately," I said. "When Mr. Fasano read it to us, I didn't get, 'til the end of the book, that Anne's adoptive parents, Matthew and Marilla, were not married."

"Hunh? But that couldn't have been allowed, back then!" I said.

"No, no, no—they're brother and sister!"

"Well, that's just sick," I said.

"Well, no, not really. They're old siblings who live together," Skeet said. But by this time, I was re-writing "Anne of Green Gables."

Chapter 10

Anne Has a Sleep-Over

Marilla had said yes and Anne was so excited that she could hardly sleep the night before her pyjama party with her bosom friend, Diana Barry. All day, on the day, Anne and Marilla made cakes and ice tea and Matthew watched on with a big smile, though Marilla would toss him a glance from time to time as if to say, "Don't humour Anne too much; she's already all too thrilled for my tastes." Matthew would try not to smile, chastened, but it was a hard job.

Finally the night came and Anne and Diana were in Anne's room in the east gable telling each other romantic tales of knights and ladies of yore, staring out into the late sky and letting the views give scope to their imaginations. Suddenly, far away, they heard an odd noise and Anne said, "Diana! we must, must, must explore and find out the source of this noise. What if it should be a dragon!"

Diana, enjoying the game with a little thrill of girlish excitement (and a little bit of real fear too) said, "Yes! For if it is a dragon, we would have to call on a knight to save us!"

Very quietly the two girls tip-toed down the hallway. The noise was coming from Marilla's room and when they cracked open the door they could just make out the shapes of Marilla and Matthew. However, he was on top of her and she was grinning like some animal even Anne could not imagine.

"Just what my mother thought," Diana whispered, "the beast with two backs. It's why my mother didn't want me coming over here and we had to beg and beg and beg her."

"But it's all right," Anne whispered back, "maybe they're trying to make me a little brother or sister."

Diana moved closer to Anne, "Yeah, well, that would be one odd-looking child—Marilla and Matthew being brother and sister themselves."

"ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!" Anne roared. Matthew and Marilla were so busy doing what they were doing that they did not hear Anne. Diana dragged Anne back to the east gable. By this time the little red-head was shaking like a leaf and she looked like she had thousands more freckles. "I thought they were husband and wife!" she trilled.

"So do a lot of people," Diana said. "That's what makes Green Gables sort of a freak show. Tourists point it out and say, 'Is that where the couple lives and no one really knows their relationship?'"

"Well fuck me," Anne said and stared out the window.

"Go to bed, Anne. You must be tired. I am." The two girls curled up and as they were falling asleep Anne murmured, "Well, at least I'm not the biggest mutant on the Island—despite my red hair."

"Oh, no!" said Diana. "Not at all. One day I'll tell you about Mrs. Rachel Lynde's Quilting Circle."

"Hunh?" said Anne.

"Let's just say there's a reason the quilts they put up at the fair smell funny."

And with that the two little girls fell into a peaceful slumber.