February 18, 2009; The Gospel according to NILIF

Okay, I peed on the bed again and then, for good measure, I peed on the couch, expecting that this time they would finally let me go out of exhaustion. But no. They went on the internet and they got wise to what I was up to. (Christ! I hate the way they network!) Now, I have no access to the couch or the bed until Mook B turns in and lets me up. They let me sleep on a little ottoman near the window and when I get on their nerves it's, "Bed!" and I am expected to fly onto it and be a "good boy." Yeeej!

But Mook A found something else...something terrible...on the internet. It's NILIF. It's a...gulp!...dog-training philosophy and it stands for Nothing In Life Is Free. What it means is that the trainer/master/slaver never gives anything to the dog/slave without the latter earning it. If I want to get up on the couch or get cuddled or have a walk or even something insignificant like getting my ears scratched, I have to obey some arbitrary command like "sit" or "give paw" just so the Mooks can show me who's the boss. If I do what they want, they do what I want. Fuck! How long before the transaction includes oral sex and sodomy?

Figure 1.: The Look

Figure 2.: The "Snooze" (with sound effects of sighing etc.)

What makes this especially infuriating is that I had it made. I had two tricks to get them to do what I wanted when I wanted it done: the look (see fig. 1) and, if I was close by or in their arms, closing my eyes (see fig. 2) and snorting in that contented way faggotty little lap dogs have when they're warm. Now the look and the snooze thing don't work. I have to perform some irrational party trick to please their fucking Holinesses.

So I really have to get away. A small dog without dominance in a household is just a bitch.