Professor Léo speaks. The wise listen.
- Nothing bothers humans like a dog who scoots. Even if you don't have an itch, do it. Think of it as combing your arse hair and always do it on a rug or a piece of upholstered furniture. It's the little things—like zipping your anus across the shag—which count in the war between us and them. And the best thing? They invariably think it's something they're doing wrong.
- When they want you to do a "trick" (with me it's singing) build up a good head of steam—get insanely excited—and shriek like you're the big-titted teenager in a movie with a horde of zombies on your tail. It's not at all what they wanted as tricks go, but they did want you to do something—it's their fault if you didn't understand what. Shrieking works two ways: you "obeyed" and, if you're lucky, you get on the last nerve of someone else in the household and soon you have them fighting because one of them got you hysterical. Beauty.
- After they have washed or bathed, "love" them. Cover their faces, hands—whatever bare skin is available—with dog slobber. If you've just eaten (and it's something really rancid) even better, because in the guise of "kissing" you have turned this soap-smelling sissy into something with the pong of like carrion. It's "love" for them, power for you.
- When you are "playing" with a human, try to stay behind them; this way you can get a good mount on before they notice they're being fucked and general consternation sets in. Remember: they are your bitches.
- Remember the three Ds: Dash, Disorient, Destroy. When out or in, run, run, run. Nothing determines control like one keeping the other wondering—wondering what you're running to, what you smell, might eat or plow your nose into, or what you might accost. Eventually they will try to exert power, this is when you Disorient—run back to them, behind, in front of them, around them, wrapping the leash in and out of their legs as you heed their command. Soon they're spinning like a dreidle at Chanukah. Then Destroy—a good swift yank on the leash and even if they don't fall you do cut the circulation off in their legs. How can they get mad? You "obeyed" didn't you?
- Mumble and whimper for nothing. My Mooks' hair stands on end if I so much as yawn funny. It becomes a case of "What does he want???!!!" Then there is the hilarious back and forth of trying to guess until they give me something nice like a walk (I may have diarrhea after all) or a seat on the couch (I may need attention). But be careful—too much whimpering could get them probing your mouth, skin and—God forbid!—arsehole for "problems." Worst case scenario: you're off to the vet. Rectal thermometers are never amusing.
- If you are on a walk and sniff something interesting (food, maybe?) then pretend to pee as you investigate and/or eat. My Mooks never let me follow my nose (something to do with the various occasions they had to fish plastic, leaves or branches out of my butt), but they always give me the time to pee and, being stupid humans, often look away as I do. The world then becomes a buffet! Dish it up!
- "Nice" is a weapon. If you hear the phrase "Good dog!" and you have not actually set out to be such a beast, then you have done the equivalent of shooting your wad into your own eye. Humans get exasperated and they get that way very easily. If you wish to have the upper hand, this is when you must be "nice." Lick noses, lie down and show your belly in submissive pose, lean into their legs like you cannot live without them or simply sit when they tell you to. Past transgressions are almost immediately forgotten and future ones forgiven in advance.
- In dealing with guests, remember the last paragraph. Dogs who get territorial with growls or bites are bush league. That's the surest way to get banished to another room and miss out on idiot guests feeding you treats you're normally not allowed to have or pulling you up onto a sofa or chair you're not allowed to sit on. However: guests are your enemy! This is your space and guests always have a tendency to stay too long and to take up far too much of your world. This is when "nice" matters. Show the unwanted visitor how "cute" you are by "playing" with them. Shriek at them in excitement. Play with their shoes (while, also, ripping them apart), jump and dance and sing even as you nip and tug (and tear) clothing and inflict the tiniest (but also most painful) little wounds on digits and limbs. As mentioned in previous discussions, this is also when, with female guests, you explore. Depending on your region or breed, this practice is known as Beaver Boring, Snatch Snorting or Cooter Cuddling. Before long everyone is a mess of twitches and tics of embarrassment and wants to get out as quickly as possible; you, on the other hand, have done nothing but be sweet to the callers.
No comments:
Post a Comment