And what about me, fuckwads?
It's been a weird couple of days (but then again, in my fucked up life, when are they not weird, dammit!).
Firstly, I'm off my food. I don't know what it is, but I can be perfectly satisfied with my vittles and then, suddenly, the stuff they are putting in my bowl tastes like ass. To try to get me to lose weight, they have been mixing chicken broth (low-cal the fuckers) with my kibble. This was okay because I like the smell of dead poultry as much as the next hound. But no one can eat the same goddam crap, day in day out. So I stopped eating. I figured the Mooks would get the point and change the stuff but then, last night, Mook A declared, "I am not going to change that fuckin' dog food every three fuckin' months just because the Little Princess suddenly decides he doesn't like it! When he's hungry enough, he'll eat whatever shit we put in front of him." Yeah, well...I'll show the mofo what I can eat and I'll also show him what I can shit and, more importantly, where I can shit.
Meanwhile...
Yesterday Cate came for a visit and after they all ate a nice chicken dinner (and I ate nothing) they settled down to watch a movie. I wasn't quite yet in the mood to settle down so I started to play with Cate. She was up for it and we started to have a good wrestle. Here's the thing: I'm not absolutely sure, but I think she might be up for a little inter-species slap and tickle 'cause she didn't seem to be the least bit perturbed when my pink snake began to make an appearance. In fact, she just laughed harder. However, the Mooks (those two horny, homo hypocrites) stopped the fun and games as soon as my one-eyed mole showed itself.
Then...
Ack! Ack! Ack!
Cate and Mook B started to talk about traveling. They weren't talking about it in some vague, hypothetical way either! At the end of this week Cate is going off on a road trip for a month and—oh! my! god!—Mook B is going off to Paris at the end of the month and he'll be gone for two weeks! Do you have any idea what this means? It means that for two weeks I'll be stuck here, alone, with the man who is already calling me Piggy, Princess and a slew of other awful names and who is showing no patience for my little idiosyncrasies! I am going to be here, alone, in this prison with Mook A!
This is not good.
Sure, A is good for a cuddle from time to time and he is responsible for two of my four walks a day but he's impatient with me. If he doesn't want to cuddle we don't cuddle (whereas with everyone else, they pretty much bend to my will). If I want to go one way during a walk (ie: towards something that smells good and borderline-edible) and he wants to go the other way, he'll yank me so hard that we always, always, always go his way. Mook B is my bitch. If I want a cuddle, he picks me up, and if I want to eat roadkill he pretty much lets me. He also responds when I am ready to go out (instead of doing as A does: taking me out when it's time...his time). In bed I can take up as much space as I want and Mook B just moves out of the way. I have an odd feeling that if I am not sleeping on the cold, cold floor—when I'm alone with A—that there might be like a square foot of space he allows me on the bed and that will just not do for a wandering body like mine.
And food—my god!—food! Will I actually eat when B's away? Will A be so hardcore about not giving me something that will please me that I may just have to swallow my pride and eat a bowl of ass? I'd rather starve!
And what if A gets sick! I mean, let's face it, he's not the healthiest specimen of humanhood! Sure, the nurse comes three times a week but will she save me as she's loading A into an ambulance or will she forget me, leave me behind so that I just sit here for two weeks hoping against hope that someone remembers me? Hoping that someone feeds me, walks me, takes care of me! The Straight Guy (SG) lives two blocks away but he's so caught up with getting the smoke out of his building that he won't be running here to look after me. I don't think he even likes me and lord knows I'm not overly fond of him.
How can Cate and B just go off and leave me to this monster!
I'll die! I know I will!
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