April 3, 2009: On Their Toes

Sometimes I have to wait so long for the goddam walk and it gets me so MAD!!

I've found a great way to fuck with the soi-disant masters and put them in their places at the same time. It's loads of fun too. 

First you "behave" for a couple of days. Wait for them to say something like "He's finally fitting in" or " Well, he seems to be trained now." Then you calmly take a dump, preferably on the rug. Yeah, yeah, yeah, you'll have to deal with the symphony of "Bad dog! Bad Dog!"s but sticks and stones yadda yadda yadda.

Now, y'understand, the Mooks are nervous, wondering if this will be a pattern. That's when the real fun starts. You need a drink of water? Don't just walk to get a sip...RUN!!! The click, click, click of the nails on the floor adds to the nerve-wracking effect. They, of course, are wondering what's so urgent and have to stop what they're doing and follow. Wait a little while for things to settle down and then any time you have to go somewhere—bed, water, a little walk around the pad—RUN RUN RUN!!!

They're sure you're running to deal with an intestinal need and come tearing after you. Now...wait 'til they settle down again and are really busy. Here, that means Mook A is playing World of Warcraft (wait 'til he announces to Mook B that he's putting the headset on and that he's doing a team run). Then wait 'til Mook B is likewise occupied; that means he's giving himself an ulcer answering work e-mail. Then sneak out of the room. Go to another room. Find something—anything—and start crunching on it. It doesn't even have to be edible or valuable, just crunchy. The Mooks will come a-running. If you're lucky, Mook A has caused a complete wipeout of his World of Warcraft team and Mook B has prematurely pressed the send button on his work e-mail and ruined his career.

If you do all these things over and over again during the day, you don't even have to take another dump on the floor (because, let's face it, that's just gross). The "Masters" will be turned into twitching piles of exposed nerve-endings. What's even better: you sleep like a baby, they hardly sleep at all. 

It's a riot.

A baby seal: a cute white thing that gets wacked on the head for doing nothing.

Me: A cute white thing that gets away with murder.