April 13, 2009; The Visitor

So what the fuck are you up to now?

So on Saturday the Mooks receive a visitor—let's call her Mookette—and she's someone I've met before and someone I generally like. Pretty good, for one of them, 'cause she always brings me a treat and she smells nice; some smell that's sweet and subtle and stays on my fur for a bit after she hugs me. (Look, just because I don't have balls doesn't mean that I don't like the scent of a woman...Hoo-Ah!)

The three of them start by scarfing down pizza right there in front of me without so much as offering me a little sliver of pepperoni. They're having a fine old time, aren't they?, while I quiver in the corner from hunger. 

Then it's walk time and the Mookette wants to show Mook A how it's done. Firstly she says I should be in a harness not a collar and my ears perk up because then I'd be able to pull the Mooks to my heart's content without feeling the least bit of discomfort and if I'm really lucky, the extra weight I could put on the harness might enable me to drag one or the other in front of a moving car. But Mook A laughs and says no way. "If he's not suffering a little, then I'm suffering." Fucker.

After a bit of walking the Mookette thinks she's got control of me. Just to see if she does, I decide to do a little test. The two of them are nattering on the sidewalk about who should pay for the film they just rented and yadda yadda yadda on it goes and I decide to step off the sidewalk and under the wheels of a parked car that's about to take off. Mook A screams (sort of girly-like) and the Mookette, so nice and gentle on that leash up 'til now, yanks me back so hard I'm airborne for a bit. The guy in the car says, "Sorry," the Mook says, "Sorry," Mookette looks shaken and my little part of the world is under my sway again. 

Then it's back to the apartment and the three of them curl up on the sofa to watch the DVD. I'm bored and decide to get in all their faces their faces, but they seem interested in the film and finally I just give up and insist on a cuddle at least. Before you know it I'm hearing sobbing and everyone has tears in their eyes like a bunch of sissies and I'm thinking, "What now!?" 'til I look at the TV and  see this glorious old golden lab splayed out on a veterinarian's operating table looking a little the worse for wear. That blonde actor with the fucked-up nose is crying over the dog and—stick a dick in my ass and call me a lollypop!—the vet in the film is poking the needle into the Lab! Oh! My! Fuck! It's Marley and Me!!!!

What started out as torturing me with pizza turns into subjecting me to a doggie snuff film. These are sick, sick people. 

And the lesson? Just cause a chick smells good, doesn't mean she can't get you killed.