If you want to drive them really crazy, hide in plain sight; like under the chair they're sitting in as they angrily scream your name.
Here are some things I'd like to pass along:
- When someone says, "Don't put that in your mouth, it's not even food," remember: everything is food...whether it's digestible food or not is another matter.
- Walk as you shit and shit in tall grass. Bending over for a bit longer to find it and pick it up may be the only exercise your Mook gets.
- Never bite the hand that feeds you. Nip it really hard. But playfully.
- Doctors say you need plenty of water so get it where you can; toilets and puddles will do just fine.
- When sniffing another dog's arse, go in deep—you learn everything you need to know from their level of aggressivity to what they had for lunch yesterday.
-Do not lick another dog's dick. That's just queer. However, for any twat that presents itself to you, go to town.
- You are not a guard dog. Any intruder is a potential friend who might have food.
- Being "fixed" is no barrier to fun with the bitches—what do you think tongues are for and they're sooooooo grateful.
- With just a little work, while the owner is sleeping, even a little dog can get all the covers.
- The best time to nuzzle your owner's face is after your nose has been an inch-deep into another dog's shit. To nuzzle your owner any other time is just queer.
- In a fight a small dog will always win against a big dog if you bite down on his dick and don't let go until it's a meal or he's barking like the Queen of the Night in the Magic Flute.
- When meeting a woman who is seated or squatted down to meet you, aim your nose straight for her cooter. Tradition requires it. If you smell she's on the rag, really bore in there—she'll blush so deeply everyone will know she's got "the visitor" and you have successfully put another human in her place.
- If jogging with your owner, establish a nice steady rhythm and when your heartbeats are in sync, veer off into another runner or in front of a bicycle, clotheslining one or the other. Soon your owner will realize dog's don't jog—they run when they want to. When they want to.
- Never take medicine—it might be something to put you to sleep. If it is shoved down your throat, as the Mooks do with me, proceed to lick up all the hair and dust bunnies you find on the floor. Everything will come up shortly.
- Similarly, at the vet's office you'll get shots; they won't hurt but it's the principle: no one has the right to stick things into you. So struggle like you're being poked by a priest.
There's more, but that will do for now. Class dismissed.
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