In my role as a dog sage, or dage, I continue to receive email asking me for advice. As I do not believe my light should be kept under a bushel, I will share this advice with you, faithful readers.
Dear Dage Leo
I am living with a pair who are loose canons. I am always worried that they will go off. I know they're not out and out psychos as they are most often pleasant with me. But sometimes they just lose it. What should I do. I am a two year old golden retriever who is not fixed.
Confused Bitch
Dear Bitch
If you are right and your couple are not psycho (and they don't seem to be if they have not sterilized you like the rest of us) then there is a way to keep them from going off, as you say, or at least run away if they are about to lose it. All humans give a series of warning signs that heighten from one to the next. Each dog living with a human has, as his or her first responsibility, learning how to get around their humans—what they can get away with and when to stop.
For instance, with one of my doofi, Skeeter, the signs are crystal clear. If he is in a generally pissy mood both me and the other human, Boo-Boo, know to lay low. The pissy mood expresses itself with slamming doors, swearing at himself and becoming enraged at something that he knocks to the floor (bending over, for this fat fuck, is an opera!). There's nothing you can do to avoid or predict general pissiness. (Pissiness can come from a bad night's sleep, a missed bus on a cold day, a sandwich where one ingredient—like mustard—is in insufficient quantities.) General pissiness is one of the weird aspects of humans animals will never truly understand. Move on.
Now, the warning signs of a rage with you as the source are different from one human to the next, but you can find the pattern with yours. Mine starts with a "tsk." If I yank too much on the leash, I get that one. If I don't give my paw or sit pretty fast enough it's a "tsk." If I persist, I get a, "Dammit!" The heat has risen from there when I hear, "Fuck!" The final step before he goes off is when he says, "Leeee-yeeee-oooo!" The two-syllable name becoming three is a bad sign. Get out of the way.
If you way to learn the signs for your humans, do something you know annoys them and keep doing it until they go off. It's painful the first time but after you know the signs you will be able to exercise control—on them and on yourself—as needed. Good luck!
Dear Dage Leo
I am a miniature poodle living with a very nice family except for one: the ten-month old girl child in the house has just started walking and is always coming at me. Most of the time I can get away because, as you know, humans stay clumsy as retards for a very long time into their lives. But sometimes the baby corners me and starts sticking her fingers in my eyes and yanking my ears. When the other people in the family see her doing this they stop her but that's not all the time and never quickly enough. What should I do!?!
Poked and Pulled
Dear Poked
Bite her. Not a little. Hard. After a couple of times the kid will stop (having learned a valuable life lesson about living with others) or your nice family (if they're as nice as you say) will place you with another nice family who don't have a small child. My confusion with your case comes from the fact your family is both nice but also profoundly stupid. If they don't start beating that kid like a gong, she will grow into a real demon.
Dear Dage Leo
I am a large, male mixed-breed. My person, also a male, and I like to rough-house. We have lots of fun and he and I get very excited. The problem is that sometimes I get too excited and get a hard-on. Am I a faggot?
Fucked-up Pooch
Dear Fucked
Of course you're not!!!!!!!!! (By the way, it is no longer considered appropriate to say "faggot"—the correct term is "person of the faggot variety.") Dogs exhibit many different manifestations of excitement and very few of them are sexual including, for the most part, hard-ons. It is a whole different kettle of fish, however, if your person gets a hard-on. Run, hide and keep your asshole close to the floor.
Dear Dage Leo
I am living with a pair who are loose canons. I am always worried that they will go off. I know they're not out and out psychos as they are most often pleasant with me. But sometimes they just lose it. What should I do. I am a two year old golden retriever who is not fixed.
Confused Bitch
Dear Bitch
If you are right and your couple are not psycho (and they don't seem to be if they have not sterilized you like the rest of us) then there is a way to keep them from going off, as you say, or at least run away if they are about to lose it. All humans give a series of warning signs that heighten from one to the next. Each dog living with a human has, as his or her first responsibility, learning how to get around their humans—what they can get away with and when to stop.
For instance, with one of my doofi, Skeeter, the signs are crystal clear. If he is in a generally pissy mood both me and the other human, Boo-Boo, know to lay low. The pissy mood expresses itself with slamming doors, swearing at himself and becoming enraged at something that he knocks to the floor (bending over, for this fat fuck, is an opera!). There's nothing you can do to avoid or predict general pissiness. (Pissiness can come from a bad night's sleep, a missed bus on a cold day, a sandwich where one ingredient—like mustard—is in insufficient quantities.) General pissiness is one of the weird aspects of humans animals will never truly understand. Move on.
Now, the warning signs of a rage with you as the source are different from one human to the next, but you can find the pattern with yours. Mine starts with a "tsk." If I yank too much on the leash, I get that one. If I don't give my paw or sit pretty fast enough it's a "tsk." If I persist, I get a, "Dammit!" The heat has risen from there when I hear, "Fuck!" The final step before he goes off is when he says, "Leeee-yeeee-oooo!" The two-syllable name becoming three is a bad sign. Get out of the way.
If you way to learn the signs for your humans, do something you know annoys them and keep doing it until they go off. It's painful the first time but after you know the signs you will be able to exercise control—on them and on yourself—as needed. Good luck!
Dear Dage Leo
I am a miniature poodle living with a very nice family except for one: the ten-month old girl child in the house has just started walking and is always coming at me. Most of the time I can get away because, as you know, humans stay clumsy as retards for a very long time into their lives. But sometimes the baby corners me and starts sticking her fingers in my eyes and yanking my ears. When the other people in the family see her doing this they stop her but that's not all the time and never quickly enough. What should I do!?!
Poked and Pulled
Dear Poked
Bite her. Not a little. Hard. After a couple of times the kid will stop (having learned a valuable life lesson about living with others) or your nice family (if they're as nice as you say) will place you with another nice family who don't have a small child. My confusion with your case comes from the fact your family is both nice but also profoundly stupid. If they don't start beating that kid like a gong, she will grow into a real demon.
Dear Dage Leo
I am a large, male mixed-breed. My person, also a male, and I like to rough-house. We have lots of fun and he and I get very excited. The problem is that sometimes I get too excited and get a hard-on. Am I a faggot?
Fucked-up Pooch
Dear Fucked
Of course you're not!!!!!!!!! (By the way, it is no longer considered appropriate to say "faggot"—the correct term is "person of the faggot variety.") Dogs exhibit many different manifestations of excitement and very few of them are sexual including, for the most part, hard-ons. It is a whole different kettle of fish, however, if your person gets a hard-on. Run, hide and keep your asshole close to the floor.
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